stop calling my apartment porn island.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
All I want is dick and wine.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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