I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
