Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
