Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
