i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
only you would photoshop your dick
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
