Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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