Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
