does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
