why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish you could order shots online.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
