I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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