sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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