This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
