Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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