I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
