My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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