oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
