if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
