I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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