i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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