next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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