only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
