I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think my mom watched the whole time
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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