a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
