Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
