i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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