Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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