Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
