He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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