you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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