What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
