Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
