i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
