Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
NoShamevember. You game?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
