When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
