I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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