Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
