Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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