Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
