You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In other news, I just burned my penis
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
