It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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