One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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