I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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