hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
