i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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