i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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