i just wanna soil my oats bro
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
