I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
