the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
