You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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