She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
