They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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