I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
