i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
