Don't make out with my wife yet
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
